My nature is to strain at what has been lost, though I do not wear the face of one who is known to have lost much. The question—is this loss a thing I have made, & not a thing which has been handed to me—was answered long ago by many others in my stead. It is a sick substitution for all the illness of the world, over which I would nightly weep, were it not for a murmuring of nothings into the air around my ears, which calms my body & subsumes my thinking & dries out all my thoughts of weeping more.
When I was young, about ten or eleven, I had been walking across the recess yard at school & I can’t quite remember where I was headed nor where I was heading from, but it reminded me of a dream I had been having for a few nights, wherein there were crows nesting in the attic of my home. This is not my home, I would think to myself from within the dream, I have no home & all the colors are wrong & faded & the birds far too jovial & drunk & the yellow in my beak is weak & I don’t remember walking here & I don’t know how to leave. Invariably I would arrive at the realization I were dreaming, & invariably at that point I would wake. Now then, at the school, it was something in the colors of the pavement at my feet was just the sort of yellow in my dreaming or else I had forgotten where to go or where I’d been or how I’d come here or had misplaced how to leave, & was struck by just that feeling of the dream, but could not wake from my waking–though all the world was wrong, it seemed, & I did not have a home. I fell to giant sobs in my inward cavities, stopped where I stood & looked around at the other children to see if any had noticed I had been dismantled from the gut out & if they had they seemed not to mind. I wanted to run up to some one of them & clutch them at their feeling places: make them see what was. That I was. & “that I was” seemed such a dreadful thing. But I had seen already what cruelty was shown to those who acted out of turn. Glad to have got through this horror unnoticed, I carried on & never mentioned it to anyone.